


Negative Emotions

by kjonginexo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Happy Ending, KAIBAEK IS NOT END GAME, Kaihun - Freeform, Lots of Angst, M/M, SEKAI IS END GAME, SEKAI IS THE MAIN SHIP, Some Fluff, ok thx!, sekai - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 21:57:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11930088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjonginexo/pseuds/kjonginexo
Summary: Sehun didn't realize he had feelings for his best friend until he watched Jongin be with someone else.





	Negative Emotions

**Author's Note:**

> So, I already wrote this fic but it was kind of shitty. So here is my revamped version of it, and I hope it's better than the older one. I think it will be but I'm not sure. I got rid of the old one bc yikes! Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed, thank u to those who actually read all my shit, my writing has definitely improved so I'll probably revamp more of my fics. Anyway, onto the story.

Sehun and Jongin came to the same cafe every day to study, around the same time too. It was six pm on a Friday, Jongin as usual looked soft and sweet with the textbook and notebook curled against his knees that were bent towards his chest in the wooden chair. His usual soft fond eyes were squinting as full plush lips were parted to mouth along the text in whatever subject he was studying. Sehun thinks Jongin looks tired, since he snuggles into the oversized beige sweater on his body every now and then and his eyes droop half lidded. The soft purples and hazy oranges from the setting sky pouring into the large coffee shop windows of the fall evening only made Jongin look more sweet than one could imagine. Sehun smiled to himself now, lips pressing to the rim of his americano coffee with a little hum in delight to the strong roast taste as he watched the other easily overwork himself. “Hey.” He spoke soft, careful not to alarm the other.

It seemed to work as Jongin lifted his head up, sandy brown thick hair falling into a right part as his lips were in a sweet gentle smile in Sehun’s direction. “Hey.” Sehun nudged Jongin his cooling earl grey tea in its to go cup, smiled turning into a concerned expression. “Drink some tea, relax a little bit. You're exhausted.” Jongin huffed quietly, hands moving out of the long sleeves to wrap his fingers around the cup and drink some of the lukewarm liquid. Sehun knew that must've been unpleasant but if Jongin thought so he didn't show it.

The bell of the coffee shop filled the store, catching Sehun’s attention as Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, and Baekhyun came walking in. Baekhyun being loud as usual as Kyungsoo made snide comments, and Chanyeol laughing behind. “I'll go greet them okay?” Sehun hummed as Jongin nodded, flashing him one more quick glance with the smile Jongin seemed to only reserve for him as he got up and walked over to the register to see their other friends.

 

Baekhyun smiled faintly at seeing Sehun approach them, droopy crescent eyes matched the same faint happiness. “Hey, sorry we’re a little late. I wanted to eat and Kyungsoo was feeling quite generous.” Sehun furrowed his thick eyebrows together, looking at the digital watch on his wrist to see 6:36, throwing his shoulders in a casual shrug, holding back a laugh at the punch to Baekhyun’s arm from the shorter wide eyed male. “It’s whatever, Jongin’s been studying anyway.” Baekhyun went to speak when Kyungsoo rolled his eyes and shoved him to the register. “Order for us, you’re why we’re late so I’m forcing you to socialize.” Baekhyun playfully glared then turned back to the barista and placed the order. Kyungsoo focused on Sehun now, who was quietly watching the three, finding it odd that Chanyeol had little to say. “How’re you doing Sehun?” Sehun trained himself to focus on the heart shaped lips speaking in front of him. “It’s going, I worry about Jongin more than anything, hasn’t put down the damn books in a week.” Chanyeol now chuckled at that, eyes finally meeting Sehun’s. “It’s cute, the care you have for him. Someone’s gonna yank him from you one day if you don’t keep him close.” Sehun rolled his eyes at that, as if anyone would ever take his Jongin from him, his best friend. “He’s my best friend, who else is going to care for him as much as I do?”

Baekhyun shoved the receipt at Kyungsoo, waving quickly before making a direct bee line to Jongin. The other three watched as Jongin looked at him doe eyed with confused parted lips as Baekhyun slammed the book on the table, fixed Jongin’s knees for his legs to hit the chair and straddle his lap. “He might.” Kyungsoo commented with a chuckle, but for some reason Sehun couldn’t find it in him to laugh.

 

Jongin and Sehun have been best friends since they were dorm mates, it was a simple common denominator that brought them close together really. Sehun had a dog, Jongin likes dogs, the two clicked to that and since then the bond never broke. Their bond was a close intimate one, Sehun thinks often. They cuddle, hold hands, dance together at bars and clubs, hold one another when they talk to their friends, exchange secrets and kiss one another’s cheeks. It always made Sehun smile to think about the intimacy the two have, their friendship is one that could never break. Maybe bend, but Sehun thinks it hadn’t reached a point for it to bend. They never fought, never argued, small disagreements fell into compromises or meeting together in the middle for mutual satisfaction. Jongin describes their bond as perfect. Sehun never disagreed.

Kyungsoo came second when Jongin came back to the dorm with a distressed look on his face, immediately jumping onto Sehun to complain about how he was pretty sure his lab partner for chemistry wanted to murder him. Kyungsoo turns out is just a stoic guy with an eye problem, Jongin flushes prettily in embarrassment when it gets brought up that he thought Kyungsoo wanted to kill him. The other laughs about it though, and always assures Jongin not to feel so bad over it. Sehun thinks it’s sweet that Jongin gets so shy about that incident. Sehun notices the difference in the bond with him and the bond with Kyungsoo. With Kyungsoo he seems to be able to be calmer, and like it’s a mission to make the short male laugh at least once with intelligent humor (not cheesy humor like Chanyeol), studying is something they do together often. They were never as intimate as Sehun and Jongin were, so Sehun never had a problem.

Chanyeol was next, the tall gangly man with large hands and thin bowed legs met Sehun in photography class. The clumsy oaf tripped his way into being their friends, and turns out, Chanyeol got along swimmingly with both Sehun and Jongin, Jongin and Chanyeol being an interesting pair that really did work in someway. Nerds is how Sehun describes the two. They both enjoy anime, Marvel movies, both bond over stupid sci-fi that Sehun couldn’t really click to easily, but Chanyeol enthused it. In fact, Sehun notices that Chanyeol encourages Jongin to speak more and come out of his shell, even if some days Jongin wanted to stay cooped in his shell. It was for the better, but Sehun noticed the two weren’t intimate still like how he was with Jongin, he didn’t have a problem.

Lastly, Baekhyun came into the picture. Baekhyun was brought in by Chanyeol, the shorter male (that holds it over Kyungsoo’s head for being an inch taller) with pretty eyes and feather soft hair came in shy at first. Sehun met Baekhyun before Jongin did one night at the bar they usually went to. Jongin insisted on studying that night, Sehun was alright with that since Jongin gets weary of new people at first. A drama king is what Sehun thought of Baekhyun, but not in a bad way necessarily. Endless entertainment and jokes, never ending witty humor or intelligently thought out jokes, cheesy ones sometimes left his lips.

He seemed to fit all three of them, Sehun knew Jongin would click with him as well. Baekhyun met Jongin the next day at the coffee shop, and their connection was simple, almost like it was with Sehun. Baekhyun likes art, Jongin likes to draw, the two hit it off easily. They became close friends with Baekhyun taking a strong liking to Jongin, and normally Sehun wouldn’t have a problem. Baekhyun initiated the intimate touches first, things he would do with Jongin except he managed to go farther. Sitting on Jongin’s lap was one of the many things, this was just a newer development. Baekhyun leaned on Jongin, held Jongin by the hips, held his hand, told him he was pretty, played with his hair, kissed his nose, etc. Sehun had a problem with the touches, but he kept that to himself.

Sehun’s feelings were closed off normally, he shut them down anytime they tried to come forwards but it got to the point where they detach entirely. Sehun’s reasoned with himself on many occasions that it’s the fact that he doesn’t want to share his best friend, and that excuse sits solid in his chest since he felt it true. Sharing his best friend who he felt like was meant to be his best friend, and only his to have a close relationship like that with felt so wrong. It all felt right and true in his chest, and he believes it wholeheartedly. He definitely doesn’t hate Baekhyun, but apart of him wishes the other male could connect with Jongin the way Kyungsoo and Chanyeol do. Apart of him wishes Baekhyun wasn’t overwriting his connection to Jongin, even if Sehun knew that Baekhyun wasn’t doing any such thing.

 

He was sitting in the chair next to Chanyeol, other side was met with the large window. His eyes couldn’t help but settle on Baekhyun on Jongin’s lap, legs thrown over the thicker legs beneath him as he sat on Jongin’s right thigh, laughing at something Chanyeol was saying. The laughter died down, Chanyeol slammed his hands on the table with a loud sound to gather everyone’s attention, mainly glaring at Jongin who was struggling to read his textbook with the clingy small male on his lap. “I say we go to the bar, Jongin definitely needs a night out away from his book.” Chanyeol spoke, smart ass tone of voice caught Jongin’s attention. Sehun watched the full plush lips part for a whine of protest. “I can’t! I have to study!” Sehun went to speak, but he watched Baekhyun exchange a knowing look with the other.

It threw Sehun off, to say the least, that the two could communicate with just a look, something Jongin and Sehun usually could only do. “Fine, I’ll go.” Baekhyun grinned down at him, lithe fingers taking the book and shutting it, shoving it towards Sehun who now sat bitterly. Stupid, he scolds himself, stupid for being jealous over your bestfriend hitting it off with another friend. “You didn’t have a choice, Nini.” Chanyeol snorted, the others taking a short break to sip on their warm drinks. Kyungsoo now spoke, setting the coffee down. “After we finish these we’ll head out, I need caffeine to handle a drunk Chanyeol.” Chanyeol blinked, offended, making Sehun laugh and drop his bitter attitude. He sighed mentally, telling himself that Jongin needed a good fun night out away from the books to finally relax, he wasn’t going to let himself ruin it.

 

The bar is a simple place, it was clean and modern, slick concrete floors and dim dingy yellow lighting that provided a nice enough atmosphere for people to dance in. People being Jongin and Sehun. Jongin held onto Sehun’s broad shoulders, giggling mindlessly about anything and everything possible, Sehun always thought Jongin had a sweet giggle. He did think the other had one too many to drink, the stench of vodka and whiskey decorated Jongin’s breath. Jongin took a little extra alcohol to unwind, but Sehun always watched him. Regardless, the two still swayed to the beat, eye contact was a strong thing now and grins spread wide on one another’s lips. “Oh Sehun, you’re my favorite person in the whole world, more than you’ll ever know.” Jongin slipped out through a giggle, making Sehun himself smile at the compliments of his best friend. “Thank you Nini.” Sehun pulled Jongin out for a spin, then back now, tight against his own chest that Jongin seemed to easily melt into.

It was dizzying, Sehun thinks, how intense Jongin was looking at him with the fondest smile in the world taped onto the full lips. How Jongin seemed to look at Sehun as if he were the only person to exist in the world, a look Sehun often caught Jongin giving him. “Hey, mind if I cut in?” Sehun shook himself out of the daze, stomach curled in delight at how Jongin was looking at him that he nodded dumbly at the question from Baekhyun and stepped back. He didn’t get why his body reacted that way to Jongin, but it felt solid in his chest that it was because it was special attention from his best friend.

Sehun sauntered over to Chanyeol, feeling the cloud like feeling dissipate away from his chest as he watched Baekhyun and Jongin sway together offbeat, talking, Jongin shrugging and catching Sehun’s gaze with a shy flustered smile before looking back to Baekhyun quickly. “I was being serious earlier.” Sehun looked over to Chanyeol who had his long fingers wrapped around the neck of the bottle. “What?” Sehun turned his body over to Chanyeol, content smile on his face now as he yanked the bottle from the other, swigging the tart bitter liquid down his throat. “The care you have for him is cute.” Sehun heard this often about him and Jongin from people outside their friends, so he shrugged it off with a laugh, giving the bottle back. “We’re best friends.”  Chanyeol raised his eyebrow, leaning forward and Sehun watched him scan over to the other two dancing (swaying and laughing, Sehun corrects himself), then back to one another. “That’s it?” Sehun nodded, genuine look on his face. “That’s it.” Chanyeol parted his lips for a moment, then closed his mouth around the bottle and sipped it, speaking again. “Seems like more than that sometimes. If you insist though.”

 

Jongin curled up in Sehun’s bed that night, he smelled like Sehun preferred him to smell instead of alcohol. Breath clean and mint fresh, even if the other was a giggling mess as he curled into Sehun’s broad strong chest. Arms thrown around him, face pressed to his skin, Sehun thought Jongin belonged here. He really couldn’t imagine the male anywhere else. His fingers dipped down the dip of the sun-kissed spine, lips gently pressed to Jongin’s hairline, like he always did. Sehun always kissed Jongin’s hairline when they cuddled, Sehun always held Jongin close, and Jongin never left. The giggling subsided, now the room filled with slow deep breathing as he let Jongin kiss his cheek.

It was always Jongin that initiated the cuddling, it was always Jongin that would reach out to touch Sehun unless Sehun was feeling affectionate that day enough to linger on Jongin’s shoulder and arms around his waist from behind. Tonight was no different, and Sehun liked when Jongin came to him, he liked holding Jongin and keeping him warm, he liked hearing the faint hums of the other when he moved around or just felt like filling the room with a soft tune that Sehun could never recognize. “Sehun, I love you.” Jongin spoke softly, Sehun smiled, he was used to hearing this from Jongin. Apart of him flared up with gentle butterflies, but it felt true to Sehun it was just special attention from his best friend. “I love you too, Jongin.” Sehun seemed to notice Jongin was about to say more, but he didn’t, and Sehun left it at that. He felt content though, holding the other and listening for the breath to slow and even out. He knew he wouldn’t have to share this with anyone, he was never given a reason to.

 

Sehun felt good the next Tuesday, strolling in the coffee shop with Kyungsoo and Chanyeol on either side of him. He listened to them talk about some gig Chanyeol had at a university cafe with his grunge band. Sehun thought it was cool that Chanyeol had a talented band, but at the same time the music wasn’t in his taste so he didn’t attend the events often. They stood in the line, his eyes took a scan of the room to see Baekhyun already sitting with Jongin, across from him now, discussing something serious. The slump of Jongin’s shoulders and concerned expression Baekhyun had raised alarms in Sehun. “Hey, I’ll be back.” Sehun hummed, smiling at the two friends in line.

He stopped in front of the table, noting how the two forced smiles up at him. “Nini, you okay?” Jongin nodded silently, still pulling off the faux smile but Sehun could see through it. He knew something was wrong, and it was bothering him that Baekhyun knew and he didn’t. “Hey, Sehunnie, can I talk to you?” Baekhyun asked soft and sweet, looking at Sehun expectantly for him to nod. Sehun did nod, fortunately, and Baekhyun stood up, flashing him another smile as he held onto Sehun’s wrist to drag him out the coffee shop, standing by the door.

Sehun crossed his arms, looking over at the shorter male who waved at Jongin for a moment then looked back to him. “What’s wrong Baek?” Sehun cut the other off before he could even start. Baekhyun cleared his throat, speaking soft. “Jongin likes this guy, the guy gives signals that he may like him back but it's starting to become obvious that it doesn’t seem so. He’s getting really sad about it, and it’s why he studies so much to be honest. So, I guess, I’m asking for your permission to ask him out? I want to move him on to something better and help him be happy. You’re his best friend, and I just, yeah.”

Everything in  Sehun screamed a loud ‘no’ with x’s over it. Everything told him no, his stomach churned uncomfortably, his body started to feel sick, he didn’t want Jongin to be with Baekhyun at all, but now he couldn’t settle onto why. Sehun looked in the coffee shop at Jongin, sipping on his tea with the others surrounding him. His narrow eyes settled on Baekhyun once more, tongue darting over his light pink lips before shrugging. He knew he had no good reason to hold Jongin back, he couldn’t even explain to himself why he felt this way about the other being with Baekhyun. He didn’t want to be selfish because he didn’t want to share his best friend. “Yeah, go for it.” Baekhyun didn’t look relieved, instead he looked at Jongin, then back to Sehun biting down on his bottom lip. “Thanks, Sehun.” Must be nerves, Sehun thinks, as he walks in behind Baekhyun to sit down on his usual chair.

Baekhyun instead went to Jongin, leaning down to whisper in Jongin’s ear, Sehun watched closely to watch Jongin’s expression become an unreadable one. Baekhyun hummed, standing up, smiling at the others wearily. “We’re gonna go, okay? Bye guys.” With that, Jongin and Baekhyun left, leaving Sehun feeling uneasy and nauseous at the thought of Baekhyun asking Jongin out. The truth of Sehun not wanting to share Jongin was fading quickly in his chest, but he didn’t know to what.

 

He sat quietly in the dorm now, eyes trained on apartment applications as he filled them out, but his mind was elsewhere. If Jongin was okay, if Jongin actually said yes to Baekhyun, it was bothering him for a bit now until the door clicked open and shut softly. “Hey Nini.” Jongin waved slightly, pacing his way with a few sniffles here and there. The springs of the bed filled Sehun’s ears, making Sehun swivel himself in the chair to face the other who had his back to him in the bed. “You okay?” Sehun knew the answer would be no, but he wanted Jongin to speak so he could prove himself right since when Jongin cried it was obvious in his voice. “Fine.” The voice was stuffy, cracked, with a sniffle following.

Sehun got off the bed, softly crawling onto the bed to bring his arms around from Jongin’s waist, spooning him to his chest. “Did Baekhyun hurt you?” Jongin shook his head, turning in Sehun’s arms now to bury his face in the warm crook of his neck. Sehun’s fingers lifted to run through Jongin’s hair, the way he always liked, Sehun noticed that. “No, we just um talked.” Sehun nodded, knowing it was about the guy Jongin liked, making a pang of pain flare in his chest at Jongin being hurt like this. Sehun went to speak, but Jongin continued. “I’ll be going over there tomorrow so, invite Chanyeol and Kyungsoo over, they like hanging out with you y’know?” Sehun nodded at the other’s request, drowning in nervous upset feelings once more at the thought of Baekhyun asking Jongin out, but he left it to not wanting to share even if it didn’t feel solid. “I will, get some rest alright?”

 

Sehun awoke to an empty bed, Jongin gone, a plate of breakfast waiting for him to consume with a small note informing Sehun he did in fact go to Baekhyun’s. Sehun sighed out softly, pulling out his phone and text the other two about coming over to which they complied for in the late afternoon. Sehun got up and dressed himself, ate the breakfast and head out for some food and personal shopping as his brain was traveling down a spiral like endless rabbit hole of what Jongin and Baekhyun could possibly be doing.

He tried everything to shake his mind from it since he was finding himself wandering aimless and lost in grocery aisles. He thought about if Jongin said yes, holding hands, cuddling, watching movies, making lunch together (this is one Sehun disliked the most since he knew Jongin liked to had his hips held from behind while he cooked, and Sehun knew Baekhyun would do exactly that, what Sehun does), listening to music together and dancing with one another (maybe this one he disliked the most instead since he did this with Jongin), Baekhyun sitting on his lap while they ate and pressing kisses here and there with his fingers in the thick sandy brown hair. It made Sehun sick to think about, like he was drowning in a sticky tar feeling and he wasn’t entirely sure as to why. “Get it together, Oh.” He murmured to himself, finishing the shopping before going back to his dorm and setting up for the others.

As usual, Chanyeol whooped their asses at video games, apparently whatever Jongin taught him had paid off handsomely. Sehun had to admit, he wasn’t at his best, his mind was still running with thoughts, tar feeling was consuming him all at once and devouring his every being. He listened to the other two talk about things he didn’t really care for, nodding with a sound to make it look like he was listening as he dived into his thoughts until Kyungsoo spoke, catching his true attention. “So where’s Jongin and Baekhyun? They’re usually here too.” They both looked to Sehun, knowing he would know and it made him curl with displeasure that he did know.

“They’re hanging out, I didn’t get details.” Chanyeol quirked an eyebrow, shoving his mouth full of chips and spoke (unattractively, Sehun noted) “alone? Usually it’s you two hanging out alone, not them.” Sehun sighed inwardly, thinking now would be the best time to get out what’s been going on in his mind to someone, the two someones actually. “Baekhyun asked me for permission to ask Jongin out yesterday since Jongin’s been really sad about this guy not liking him back or whatever. Baekhyun wants to help him move on, I said yeah, and so I’m guessing the plan today is to ask him out.”

The room went silent, uncomfortably so, making Sehun shift in his spot on the worn out sofa. It was thickening, no one dared to cut the silence as they both stared at him blankly. “So, you gave permission then.” Kyungsoo stated, almost a tinge of disbelief in his voice. Chanyeol shared a look of disbelief, and Sehun scrunched his nose in confusion at the looks on their faces and sound of Kyungsoo’s voice. “I don’t have an issue with Baekhyun.” Chanyeol shook his head, long fingers running through his black shaggy hair and eyes squinted slightly in disbelief. “That’s not the thing. I guess it’s a good thing you gave permission then.” It went over Sehun’s head, he was more confused than ever, but he shrugged it off and the three went back to playing video games.

 

The dorm was easy to clean, he knew Jongin liked a clean space to come back to after Sehun had Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, two messy eaters who definitely needed to be cleaned up after. He was cuddled up on the couch by himself under a thick blanket, eyes focused on a romantic comedy. The door clicked open to reveal Jongin in a dark red cherry shirt (Sehun internally scowled, knowing that was Baekhyun’s favorite shirt to see on Jongin), sandy brown hair tousled in a right part, skinny jeans hugging his body snug. Sehun felt better now than he had all day, sticky tar melting away into puddles of relief and happiness to see the other standing in front of him.

“Hey.” Sehun spoke soft, watching the full lips quirk into a smile. “Hey.” Sehun stood up now, making his way over to Jongin to hug him, enjoying the way Jongin’s arms felt around him far too much for himself to reasonably explain, but he didn’t want to try that right now. He pulled away and ruffled Jongin’s hair playfully, giggling at the other’s giggle. “How was your day?” Jongin shrugged with a grin, Sehun knew that meant it was a good one. “Good, Baekhyun asked me out on a date.” Sehun wasn’t ready for the tar to come back, stronger now and suffocating him nearly, the good feeling went away, he went back to nervous and sick. “Oh, um, what did you say?” Jongin went back to the dorm, locking it behind him and tossed his keys into the bowl. “I said yes, it’ll be on Friday. Not sure what we’re doing but it’ll be exciting. I think so at least.” Sehun saw the apparent smile on Jongin’s lips, and he wasn’t sure why that hurt him so badly to see. He only nodded, giving his best friend a reassuring smile that he supported what was going on, still not being able to put his pains to justified rest.

 

Sehun felt like he contracted the stomach flu, he knew he didn’t though, but it sure felt like it since he felt lethargic, aching everywhere (emotionally) and overall just out of it and exhausted. He watched throughout the week Baekhyun woo Jongin until the other was completely swept off his feet. It started small, the hints for their date, a wrist band that reminded Sehun one of an amusement park or concert venue. Tuesday was a polaroid of lights that could be barely made out, but Jongin hung it on the dorm wall with a date on the bottom in his neat penmanship. Sehun makes it a chore to not look at that picture everyday. Wednesday is when he really stepped up his game, showing up with a giant teddy bear slightly shorter than Baekhyun himself but Jongin adored it and kept it in the corner of the cramped living room. That gift was a bit hard to avoid. Thursday is when Jongin finally understood the date was to a carnival since Baekhyun brought funnel cake, but Friday Baekhyun put on a necklace of a ferris wheel around Jongin’s neck. Sehun knew Jongin wouldn’t ever take that thing off, and that always made the emotional aching grow.

He sat next to Chanyeol, thumbs twiddling over one another as he anxiously watched some shitty action movie Chanyeol picked out. His leg was jittering, teeth gnawing his bottom lip raw, exhaling shakily from his nose as his mind ran. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Jongin and Baekhyun could possibly be doing. If they were holding hands, if Baekhyun won Jongin a stuffed animal, shared a funnel cake, Baekhyun clinging onto Jongin during the scary parts of any ride, shared a kiss beneath the Ferris wheel in the night sky. It was making him sick, black tar mixing with unforgiving black lethal fog, making it hard for him to sit still or stop thinking or stop from feeling nauseous. “Sehun, if you keep jittering your leg I’m going to cut it off.” Sehun looked over at Chanyeol who looked back at him annoyed, Sehun’s eyes wide and he released his bottom lip slowly from the harassment he was evoking on it. “Right, sorry.”  Chanyeol sighed now, pausing the movie that was about to reach its credits and turned to look at Sehun, holding his head in his hand unamused.

  
“You’ve been on edge all week, what’s going on?” Sehun ran a shaky hand through his hair, reasoning with himself that letting it to Chanyeol would be a good thing. “I can’t stop thinking about their date. Like, what they’re doing, and it’s driving me crazy and I feel sick. I think I’m worried, Jongin hasn’t been on a date in three years. Yeah, I’m worried, I guess.” He ended unsure, looking at Chanyeol who now nodded at him, lips pursed in thought. “Just worried?” Sehun rolled his eyes, huffing out an annoyed breath. “Yeah, and this is when you give me advice that doesn’t go right over my head this time.” Chanyeol chuckled at that, shrugging now. “Baekhyun swept Jongin off his feet, and Jongin looked glowing and happy, I think he’s in good hands, Sehun.” Sehun listened to Chanyeol’s words, black fog taking over more now at the way Jongin’s happiness had been blinding, and it had been because of Baekhyun. The words of assurance didn’t make him feel any better, in fact, the sick feeling felt worse. “The sick feeling I have won’t go away, Yeol.” He sighed out pathetically, fingers pulling at the hem of his shirt. “Think for once, use your mind. I’m not going to help you this time, it’ll come to you now or later.” Chanyeol flipped off the TV, and exited the dorm.

Sehun went back to filling out apartment applications, brain racking anything that could possibly explain why he felt this way. Not shockingly, nothing came up, nothing bothered to surface, he felt hopeless and lost. His eyes turned to the door at hearing it jiggle, then open, Jongin stood in the doorway with his back to Sehun as soft giggles were exchanged between him and Baekhyun on the other side. “I had a lot of fun, Baekhyun.” Jongin said shyly, plush beneath his arm of what Sehun could tell to be a bear.

“Me too, can I take you out on another date?” Sehun watched Jongin nod, he could imagine the pink color flush on his cheeks. Black fog and black tar became one and clouded his lungs making it hard to breathe. He looked away for a quick moment, eyebrows furrowed at the silence, he saw Jongin lifting up from a quick kiss to the others cheek. “I’d like that a lot. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Baekhyun giggled softly, answering soft. “Of course you will. Goodnight.” Jongin bid Baekhyun a goodnight and shut the door, giving Sehun enough time to return to his application as if he hadn’t watched the moment in front of him, as if he wasn’t suffocating. He ignored the smile on Jongin’s face, returning the quick wave, deciding to let this go he shook his mind clear for the first time to continue the applications.

 

The next three weeks was bearable, the tar and black fog hadn’t been too terrible to live with, so he dealt with it. Despite Chanyeol telling him to think, he still came up with absolutely nothing. They were crammed into the same usual booth at the bar, listening to the other’s talk. “I applied for Juilliard for the musical theater program, hopefully I get in.” Baekhyun commented, arm wrapped around Jongin’s, hand on his bicep and head resting on Jongin’s shoulder. Sehun ignored that, he actually was good at ignoring that their relationship was blossoming nicely. He didn’t have an excuse as to why he was ignoring it either. “You’ll get in Baekhyunnie, I know you will.” Jongin kissed his forehead, something Sehun was now accustomed to seeing that, along with the normal burn that churned in his stomach. “You’re so sweet, y’know? Can we dance?” Jongin nodded at Baekhyun’s question and flushed prettily at the other’s words. Sehun had to admit, he was impressed that Baekhyun was able to have Jongin let loose without any alcohol. He watched the two make their way to the dance floor, Baekhyun’s hands on the back of Jongin’s neck, Jongin’s hands on Baekhyun’s waist, sliding down his body to his hips.

Sehun had to physically tear his eyes away from the sight as he waved Kyungsoo off since he was going on a conquest after some girl at the bar, he was alone with Chanyeol who was playing a game on his phone. He had nowhere else to look, he found his eyes roaming back to the couple. He felt bitter now, knowing that Baekhyun was actually really dancing with Jongin, heads close together as small laughs or words left their mouths that were inaudible for Sehun to comprehend. Sehun also had to bitterly admit the couple looked pretty together, he didn’t understand why he felt so bitter about it.

The tar acted up, clinging him with unwelcoming sickness as he watched their foreheads press together, smiles dissipating into serious expressions but yet a faint familiar expression lied in their eyes. Sehun didn’t know if they had kissed before, but when their movements stopped entirely for Baekhyun to hold Jongin’s face, and Jongin to move his hands for his thumbs to rest on the other’s jaw line, he knew this wasn’t the first. Sehun really did not want to see them kiss, but at the same time it was like he needed to know they were serious, and that this was happening, that this kiss meant they would be real. He watched as full lips pressed to the thinner pink ones in front of him, the smiles on their lips were apparent even as they kissed, and now Sehun felt like he couldn’t breathe.

His eyes watered, mind shut down as he looked away from the couple as if they were the sun shining directly in his eyes. His mind screamed at him to get up and go, leave now, he jerked in the booth next to Chanyeol, scooting out and knee hit the table. “Sehun? Sehun hey.” Chanyeol’s large hand held Sehun’s wrist tight, not uncomfortably, but Sehun wished the other would let him go, he needed to go. “C’mon, sit.” Sehun let out a shaky breath, using his free hand to wipe at the escaped tears falling down his face as he sat back down. Chanyeol lifted his arm to bring it around Sehun, caging him in and only giving Sehun the option to rest his head on the latter’s shoulder. “Think.”  

Sehun didn’t need to think hard, it felt like a dam had been busted open as his feelings poured out about how he wanted Jongin to be happy with him, dancing and kissing him, holding his hand and going on dates, receiving gentle kisses here and there, falling asleep in his bed at night as his and no one else's. His cheeks were wet, but his mouth remained dry, wet red eyes meeting the sad big ones in front of him. “I have feelings for him.” Sehun voiced out quietly, Chanyeol nodded, hand running down his back soft. “I know you do. I’m sorry you had to figure it out the hard way. Everything else will piece together when it’s time. Let them have their thing, he’s happy, you know that.” Sehun didn’t think about what Chanyeol meant by everything else, but he didn’t want to think about it, he wanted to not hurt.

He relaxed a few minutes later, talking to Chanyeol about apartments or new video games they were itching to play as he looked at the couple who danced with intermittent kissing. Sehun looked away fast every time they leaned in. He hated his feelings, he had them on a lock, he hated how selfish he felt for wanting to be in Baekhyun’s shoes, but for some reason he felt like he missed the chance when he had one to take. They all gathered now, Jongin kissed Baekhyun goodbye and Sehun couldn’t find it in himself to look at the other’s red puffy kiss bruised lips the entire walk back. He wanted to be the cause of those lips, he wanted Jongin to himself. He let that go though when he heard Jongin call Baekhyun later that night making promises for a Tuesday lunch date.

 

Four months later, Jongin and Sehun finally got their apartment perfectly in time at the start of spring. It was a simple two bedroom apartment, all their friends helped move them in, even if the newly boyfriends kissed with every passing of one another. Sehun inwardly rolled his eyes at that, and their stupid new couple antics. He found it more annoying how they only dated a month ago and it felt like they had been dating forever, he found it annoying that their chemistry was that magical and wonderful that they appeared to be together for longer than a year. Sehun knew they took so long to date was because of Jongin getting past his old crush, watching Jongin do his best until it turned into a positive yes was what  Baekhyun was waiting for. Sehun knew the two must have really liked each other to want to be together, their patience for one another was strong, and that sat bitter on Sehun’s tongue.

Bitter, that’s the best word Sehun could describe himself. He became an asshole to Jongin and Baekhyun when the couple were together around him, ignored them and didn’t speak to them. Alone with Jongin is when he got nicer, but still closed himself off to the point that Jongin didn’t come home for days at a time. He knew it was his fault too, he knew he pushed Jongin away to stay at Baekhyun’s and leave him alone in the apartment that somehow always felt too big for one. He’d lay in Jongin’s bed, sleep in it sometimes to just get Jongin’s cologne around him. He knew this would have to end, he knew he needed to stop pushing his two friends away.

He sat next to Jongin now, looking over now and then to see him and Baekhyun having a conversation in nothing but memes. He rolled his eyes inwardly before cutting himself off, reminding himself this was the behavior he needed to break. He cleared his throat, getting the attention of the other. “Nini?” Jongin clicked his phone off, he looked at Sehun sadly, it broke Sehun’s heart to see the other that way. “Hunnie?” Sehun crawled over to Jongin and brought his arms around his neck in a hug. He felt the hesitance of the other but soon he was pulled into a bone crushing hug, face buried into Sehun’s neck. “I don’t hate you, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m not tired of you, I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole.”

Jongin sniffled against his neck, sighing out in relief, voice muffled. “It’s okay it’s okay, I thought I lost you, I’m pretty sure Baekhyun is so tired of me talking about how I think you’re done with me now.” Sehun bit his bottom lip, ignoring the tugging feeling of how this would be a bad idea, but he needed this straightened out. “Call him over so I can apologize to both of you, okay?” Jongin nodded, pulling away with a faint smile and called Baekhyun over.

Baekhyun walked in, making a beeline for Jongin’s room for his favorite navy blue hoodie with a ripped deep v neckline, plopping down immediately on Jongin’s lap with a grin. “Hi baby, hi Sehun.” Sehun winced inwardly at the ‘baby’ but he cleared his throat. “Hi, look, I’m sorry. I’m not used to sharing Jongin and it feels weird to have him not around and, and I’m sorry.” Jongin rested his chin on Baekhyun’s shoulder, kissing his cheek. “It’s okay Sehun.” He spoke first, Baekhyun shortly after. “He’ll always be your best friend, it’s okay. Don’t be an ass again. Let’s watch a movie okay?” Sehun decided he missed the two of them, and for now he felt okay as he sat next to them watching a horror movie of Jongin’s choosing.

 

Sehun sat on the couch now, watching Jongin fill out forms for next semester. Four weeks gone by quickly and it was mainly spent by Sehun wondering why everyone was trying to make him catch on and why Baekhyun wanted permission from him specifically. He felt desperate for trying to piece it all together, why everyone wanted him to figure out his feelings and the permission thing. He wanted it all to piece back together to include him, why no one would mention the name of the past crush, why Chanyeol made Sehun figure out his feelings, he didn’t understand it. He felt like shit more often now since he wanted some sort of hope or clarification, he was also scared to find out he may have had a chance, and may have blew said chance.

“Jongin?” He spoke softly, waiting for the other to finish a segment of the application before turning to face him with a soft smile. “Yeah?” Sehun smiled at the other, grateful their friendship was back to normal, he didn’t want that part to change. “Who was the guy you had a crush on before?” The smile on the other’s face faded immediately into an unreadable one, one Sehun hadn’t seen since the day in the coffee shop. “What made you think of that?” Jongin turned back to the screen, fingers hitting the keys of the keyboard to input information. “Oh, just, no one says his name and I think that’s strange.”

He wasn’t lying, wasn’t being entirely truthful in his motives but he wasn’t lying. “Not important.” Sehun hated how unreadable Jongin looked. He hated not knowing, he hated his feelings, he hated Jongin dating someone else, he hated wanting. He hated a lot recently. “It does to me, you didn’t even tell me you liked someone, who is he?” Jongin sighed out quietly, closing the laptop, and stood up to take it to the computer bag. “Sehun, I really don’t want to go into this.” Sehun wasn’t allowing Jongin to not answer, the pent up frustration and hurt was oozing out as the other got up. “Answer the fucking question.” Jongin shook his head, slinging the bag over his body and started to walk to the door.

Sehun beat him to it, hands over the locks and knob. “Move, I want to go to Baekhyun’s, I really don’t wanna talk about this. You’re acting childish, Sehun.” Sehun rolled his eyes with a scoff. “And you’re not? Running away from a simple question all because of how badly you got hurt having unrequited feelings? Running off to your boy toy you only started to like for the positive attention you were receiving? I guess all you need is a little attention here and there and you’re ready to go and let go of someone you apparently had some really strong feelings for, hm?” Sehun froze the second after the words left his mouth, watching Jongin’s tears slip down his cheeks as he stared at Baekhyun. Lip hard between his teeth. Sehun shriveled, hating and loathing his existence for letting his frustration, sadness, and anger get the total best of him. “Jongin, I’m sorry I didn’t mean that I’m-” “Move.” Sehun moved out of the way, letting Jongin walk out and slam the door behind him.

Sehun curled up asleep on the couch the next morning, hiding underneath a blanket over filling with tissues and tears, Jongin ignored every call, every text, every effort Sehun made to speak to him the night before. Keys jiggled outside, waking Sehun, expecting Jongin to be there walking in but instead it was Baekhyun. “Baekhyun?” Baekhyun turned to meet his eyes, Sehun had never seen Baekhyun angry before but he didn’t like seeing it now. “You’re going to shut up, and say nothing, unless asked of you. Nod if you understand.” Sehun nodded meekly, sitting up on the couch to writhe beneath the raging gaze of Baekhyun.

“What the fuck is your problem? You’ve had a stick up your ass now for five months. I accepted your apology for being an asshole to us because my boyfriend, you know, your supposed best friend Jongin, accepted your apology. I could care less about how you treated me, I care about how you treat him. Everything was fine, and he was happy, until you started jumping him over something that really doesn’t matter. Then you invalidated his past feelings, called me a boy toy, then called him fake and easy. He kisses the ground you walk on, Oh Sehun, and you treat him like shit. So, what the fuck is wrong with you? He doesn’t even want to see you, I came here because I need answers and clothes. Speak.”

Sehun knew that any fake excuse he said wouldn’t compensate enough, nothing would make up enough for what he said, he knew the only thing he could do was be honest. “Five months ago, after you both started going slow, I realized I have feelings for him. I just needed to know why Chanyeol was telling me I’ll figure everything out, why you asked for permission, why everyone treats Jongin’s past crush like Voldemort or something. I didn’t mean to get so out of hand, all my pent up feelings, anger, sadness, came out and I said things I didn’t mean. I lost him.”

His voice was shaking, tears threatening to spill as Baekhyun looked at him with pity. Pity, Sehun didn’t like that expression. “The person was you, Sehun. I asked permission to see if you’d react a certain way, plus I genuinely wanted to be with him. He knew what I was doing, but he didn’t know I was genuinely planning on asking if you said to go for it. No one says the name because the unrequited crush was you. You didn’t lose him, he’ll come back.”

Sehun got consumed by fog and tar all at once, he couldn’t breathe, his body felt hot and searing with flames, engorging his every single piece of him. Tears fell down his face as his hands covered his face. His biggest fear came true, he missed his chance with Jongin. He understood everything so clearly now, he hurt Jongin by blocking out feelings and leading him on without knowing, and all he knew how to do was hurt Jongin. “I’m sorry Sehun.” Baekhyun spoke softly, Sehun looked at him now, voice scratchy. “Just get his stuff and go, tell him I’m sorry.”

 

Another three weeks, not one single sighting of Jongin. Baekhyun kept Sehun updated on his best friend. The two bedroom apartment felt empty with one person in it, he missed the contagious laughter of his best friend, he missed the way the other smiled and made Sehun’s heart tighten in his chest. Summer was here by now, Sehun sat on the couch with the windows open to let the warm air into clean out the stuffy apartment that was a cluttered mess with tissues and ice cream cartons here and there. Keys rattling didn’t alarm Sehun, thinking it would be Baekhyun exchanging Jongin’s clothes for new ones he didn’t move his tired, worn out from crying, eyes from the TV. The door opened, but instead of porcelain skin, he saw bronze.

Sehun scrambled off the couch with a gasp leaving his lips, arms thrown around the other’s neck as his fingers curled into his hair. Jongin didn’t hesitate to hug back, both holding each other for dear life as the already present tear streak stains gained a new vibrant red color against Sehun’s milky cheeks. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so so sorry, I didn’t mean any of it, I didn’t mean a single thing of what  I said to you, I’m so sorry, please stay, please don’t leave, I’m so sorry I love you.” Sehun spoke out through sobs, feeling Jongin’s back heave and shake, he knew the other was crying too. “I love you Sehun, I’m sorry I ignored you, I’m staying, I’m not leaving.” Sehun felt home now, he knew this was his home.

 

Crammed in the booth in the bar, Baekhyun stared at Jongin fondly that night, sad almost. Sehun noticed, sipping on a pumpkin beer, finding it odd it was being served at the very end of July. Baekhyun looked at Sehun, then the others, smiling softly at all of them. Sehun learned to stop feeling bitter when Jongin kissed Baekhyun’s cheek like he did now, they were nice together Sehun thinks. Sehun also knew he loved Jongin now, it took another month for him to realize the feelings of ‘like’ was love, and he was okay with loving Jongin, he was okay with Jongin being happy, that’s all he’s ever wanted for the other anyway.

“Guys, I got accepted into Juilliard, and I leave in three days, I found out last night.” Baekhyun spoke in the lull, the table was bittersweet, and Sehun watched Jongin stare at Baekhyun like a lost puppy. The two exited the bar after he thanked everyone for congratulating him, leaving Sehun to watch the two press kisses to one another’s lips through tears, holding one another’s face. It made him sad, he couldn’t be happy, he knew Jongin would be lost, he knew Jongin would hurt, he knew Jongin would feel alone.

It took them a few minutes to come back, eyes red and sniffly with flushed cheeks but Sehun sipped on the beer until Baekhyun smiled down at him. “Come with me, please?” Sehun nodded, letting the other lead him out the bar to stand facing the street. Cars passing by quickly, until Baekhyun spoke to capture Sehun’s attention. “We’re breaking up when I leave to New York. He completes me, you know? Made me realize some things about myself, but, I can’t keep a bird in a cage when the bird could find a better cage to go to.” Baekhyun looked at Sehun now, who was shaking his head. “No, Baek, he wants you.” Baekhyun smiled over at him sadly, shrugging. “That may be, but I know he loves you. I’ll never be able to have the love from him that he feels for you. This is your chance with him, don’t fuck it up, Sehun.”

 

Chanyeol helped Baekhyun pull the luggage from the trunk while Baekhyun let Jongin kiss his face, neck, shoulders, head, collarbones, fingers, hands. Baekhyun wore the torn deep v neck hoodie, Jongin wore the deep cherry red shirt, both holding one another with kisses in between words that Sehun couldn’t understand. Kyungsoo got the first goodbye, then Sehun, Chanyeol held Baekhyun and told him to be safe, eat well, Skype everyday, and Baekhyun promised. The three sat in the car, watching Jongin hold Baekhyun’s face to kiss him one last time, slow and deep. “Sehun, Baekhyun told me what he told you.” Sehun looked over to Chanyeol, serious expression. “What about it?” Chanyeol smiled faintly, hand resting on Sehun’s shoulder. “I’m gonna help you be happy. Both of you.” The conversation got cut off as Jongin sat in the car, wrists wiping at his tears as he sighed out loudly. “Let’s go, I can’t watch him leave. Fried chicken anyone?”

 

Three months passed, Jongin studying across from him in the apartment with his knees to his chest in the same beige sweater from a year ago. Chanyeol insisted that both Baekhyun and Jongin let go of their relationship and are friends now, and much to Sehun’s delight he wanted to be sure. His pain turned into a slow burn of longing, everything though was completely back to normal with the exception of Baekhyun missing from the gang. Jongin slept in his bed, Jongin held his hand, Jongin let Sehun hold his hips, Jongin took Sehun’s kisses, Jongin danced with  Sehun, Jongin cooked meals with Sehun, and this time they both took turns initiating it. Sehun wanted to send the right signals this time, he didn’t want to miss out on Jongin ever again. He didn’t want to fuck it up, but he didn’t want to wait too long again.

“I love you.” Sehun spoke soft, looking at Jongin across from him adorned with a faint smile. “I love you too.” Sehun shook his head now, getting off the chair to bring Jongin’s knees down to the chair and straddled his lap after moving the book aside. “No, I love you, love you. You’ve been my everything since I can remember, and I’m sorry it took me so long to get with the program and realize my feelings. It took me seeing you with Baekhyun to understand what I felt, I was so mean and bitter because you weren’t mine and I didn’t know how to handle that. I love you so much, Jongin.” Jongin smiled up at him, cheeks flushed with a dark red color as he leaned up to kiss Sehun’s chin. “I love you too, it’s about time.”

 

Their first kiss was a blur, it happened in their apartment and Sehun thought the way Jongin watched the movie was cute so he leaned down to press his lips to the plush full ones. Their kisses were sweet, Jongin’s lips tasted like honey. They spent their mornings the same, lunches spent together, dancing together. Hands being held, kissing anytime they could get the chance, cuddling out in public, sex anytime they slightly felt it, PDA and compliments that made their two friends want them to be alone. Weeks turned into months, months turned into years. A relationship turned into a marriage, apartment turned into a home, two turned into three when they adopted a kid. Sehun loved his life with the man he loves, but his favorite thing was how he could lean over and tell Jongin he loved him, and Jongin would always say it back.


End file.
